Let's pretend the Spring Game just happened. Also, instead of writing a post, I filed this one using Microsoft's Windows Mobile Post. If you listen to it, you'll be able to hear the dulcet tones of one JHC. As an added bonus, you'll get to hear my lisp, which I didn't know I had until I listened to this post.
Enjoy!

We have some bad news to pass along, readers. Something near and dear to us is gone, never ever to return.

That something is Iowa's formerly open policy on Facebook, Myspace, and Friendster (the only Iowa athlete on Friendster? Dan "gerous" Bohall. The Danimal.). The university is cracking down on inappropriate content, and that makes us sad.

Very sad.

"This is an initial policy intended to get to the egregious," said Bill Hines, a law professor who helped craft the policy. "This policy represents a good first step."

An athletics administrator — not coaches — will monitor the public-only sites on a random basis. All student-athletes must sign the policy before competing. Policy violation could mean penalties through the department's code-of-conduct policy.

Well, what sort of things would constitute a violation? We certainly hope the rules will still allow the young men to act as college students usually--aw shit:

Things the athletics department will target include partial or total nudity, sexual misconduct, underage alcohol consumption, use of illegal drugs, hazing and obscene gestures. Fred Mims, Iowa's associate athletics director for student services and compliance, acknowledges some of the violations are ambiguous. He said he will investigate them on a "case-by-case" basis.

In other words, when Trey Stross uses his own head as a bong [is that even anatomically possible?--ed.] [your mom is.--OPS] [sigh.--ed], we won't be able to see pictures of it on facebook. Terrible shame. Fortunately, "poor fashion choices" is not on the banned list, so The J.R. Angle Experience is in no danger.

J.R. wears his sunglasses at night.

"What we're concerned about is creating inappropriate material on a site that the public can access and associate with the athletic program," Hines said.

Though this is technically good for the University, it is horrible, awful, no good for the impish evil that dwells in our Black Hearts. They do what they have to do. Fine. We will hold a funeral forthwith, and Slash will rip through a guitar solo outside. These things happen.

Now go. Go. We don't want you to see us cry. Sniffle.

...and we're safe.

Iowa's 2006-07 football academic progress rate, the subject of such consternation by the Iowa City Gazette just more than a month ago, was 929.  The four-year average is 950, twenty-five points higher than that needed to maintain all scholarships.  That was higher than the projected total in the Gazette.  That was higher than the total projected by yours truly.  So that bullet has been dodged.

More importantly, the 929 total for the past year stays on the books for the next four years.  While this total is by far the lowest since the NCAA instituted its academic progress standards in 2005, it is higher than the 925 minimum needed to keep all scholarships in place.  In other words, this number is not the killer sub-900 figure we all feared would submarine the program over the next four years.  Hooray we have all our scholarships hooray.

Men's basketball might, in the end, be a bigger concern.  The Iowa basketball 4-year APR is 944 (meaning a 2006-07 APR of 956).  That represents a 15-point rise in APR in the past two years.  That being said, transfers are far more significant to basketball's APR, given the far smaller squad size.  Freeman's gone.  Bohall, who was on scholarship last year, is gone.  I don't think it's significant enough to drop Iowa below 925 next year, but it could all change with one more defection.

In the end, no Iowa program (whether revenue-generating or not) is subject to sanctions based on APR.  Even men's swimming, which has been subject to sanctions for years, was able to raise its APR above 925.  It's more than you can say for some other schools.

For all you college students out there, it's time for the BHGP Final Exam.  You have one hour.  Good luck, and remember that it's not cheating if you found it on Wikipedia.

(1) West Des Moines Valley offensive tackle and possible victim of gigantism David Barrent gave a verbal commitment to Iowa this weekend.  Scout.com currently lists him as a 4-star recruit.  He received offers from Iowa State, Minnesota, Illinois, Nebraska, Michigan State, and Northwestern.  Rank those schools in the order of their fans' hatred for Iowa, from most to least.


(2)

One of these things will make Pat Harty's head explode:

(A)  A comb.
(B)  Pictures of unicorns.  Morbidly obese unicorns.
(C)  A BHGP link in the Press-Citizen's message board.


(3)  Ryan Perriloux has been excommunicated by Les Miles.  He plans to work as:

(A)  Starting quarterback of the AFL's Grand Rapids (Recliners of) Rage.
(B)  60 billion dime bag man.
(C)  Dominique Douglas' personal banker.


(4)  Before there was Buzz Bissinger, Michael Wilbon, or Bill Conlin, there was the Des Moines Register's Nancy Clark.  When these four aren't stuffing themselves full of complimentary cheese and crackers, they're taking pot shots at bloggers.

Your question:  Steel cage death match.  Who wins?


(5)  

If a Schrutebuck has a cash value of 1/100th of one cent, and a Chizik nickel is worth 3/1000th of one Schrutebuck, how many Chizik nickels does it take to pay Todd Blythe's practice squad salary?


(6)  Write 500 words on the state of Iowa football.  Extra credit if you can avoid profanity.  Good fucking luck.


That's it.  That's the final.  Grades will be posted in two weeks.  Now go get a job, slackers.

As you all well know, James Ferentz - son of Kirk Ferentz - is an incoming freshman center.  He enters Iowa stuck well behind honorable mention all-Big Ten center Rafael Eubanks and senior Rob Bruggeman.  Odds are he will redshirt and compete for the starting position in two years.

But what if he doesn't?  What if Ferentz decides instead to move Bruggeman to guard and politely asks Eubanks to transfer, clearing the way for his son to start as a freshman?  We would cry nepotism and let slip the dogs of war, right?

I only mention this hypothetical scenario because Tony Freeman - an honorable mention all-Big Ten point guard - was told to hit the bricks this week, despite the fact he averaged 14 points per game on a team that couldn't score, and the fact there is not a returning point guard with the same level of experience (not to mention the sole returning point, Jeff Peterson, spent the past year driving baseline, getting trapped, and throwing the ball into the stands).  Todd Lickliter is a system coach, and we've been told he wants a point guard who better "fits his system".  I'm not going to claim Lickliter doesn't know what he's doing, or that his position is unreasonable.  Of course, nobody better fits his system than...

...his son John, who is walking on this year to play the point.  I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Rumors had been flying all week that Tony Freeman--you know, that guy that led Iowa in scoring in eight of his twenty games played--was on his way out. The UI made it official tonight, announcing that Freeman will be released from his scholarship. He'll be completing his collegiate career elsewhere, the story says, and we're anxiously awaiting word on where that'll be. High-major school? Possible, but it's doubtful he'd start; why transfer out of a sure starting role for your senior season just to sit out for a year, then play 10 minutes a game at Marquette or some shit? Mid-major, most likely, but Freeman cannot actually think that playing at IUPUI will be better than at Iowa. C'mon.

The transfer rumors had begun earlier this week, after an assistant told the Linn County I-Club that the captains for the 2008-2009 season were Cyrus Tate and Jarryd Cole. Two guys who play the same position, and one guy who is much younger than Freeman. Freeman gave some tepid answers when pressed for comment, then said he "should be" at Iowa next year, which is code for "peace bitches." Nice work by Randy Peterson, marking the first time since the Big Peach era that Register sportswriting has been noteworthy. In a positive sense, anyway.

We'll sort of miss Freeman. Well, Jebus won't. And I probably won't. And HS probably won't. So let me amend my previous statement: Thank you for spending all of last season knocking down three-pointers when Iowa was hopelessly behind, Freeman. Your ability to create massive amounts of turnovers from thin air (The stats say 71, creating a "perfect 1:1" A/T ratio, but we could swear he coughed it up roughly 14 times per game) was at once astonishing and maddening. Also, we're pretty sure you were the reason Todd Lickliter did this all the time:

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, or failing that, a failsafe place to hide Tony Freeman's body.

Soooo, here's your depth chart for next season:

C: Jarryd Cole (Soph., 6'7", 250), Andrew Brommer (Fr., 6'9", 215)
PF: Cyrus Tate (Sr., 6'8", 240)
SF: Matt Gatens (Fr., 6'5", 201), Aaron Fuller (Fr., 6'7", 185), Jermain Davis (Jr., 6'4", 200)
SG: Jake Kelly (Soph., 6'6", 180), Devan Bawinkel (Jr., 6'5", 205)
PG: Jeff Peterson (So., 6'0", 185), Anthony Tucker (Fr., 6'4", 175)

The wild card is incoming recruit Anthony Tucker, who will probably be pressed into duty at the point. You can judge for yourself if you think he's capable of doing so by watching this highlight reel from Rivals, but we're not terribly optimistic. His jumper is outstanding, but you can't seriously watch that and tell us he's capable of consistently facing a press at the BXI level. No way.

But we digress. Tony Freeman, going the way of the dirigible and Dan Bohall. Godspeed, you offense-wrecking lunatic. We'll always have our below-average photoshops of you.

We don't even remember what prompted this.

Last, no word on if Skynyrd will be crafting a tribute song, though we're not optimistic. And this man you cannot change.

Lou Holtz, hall of famer.  And you all know what that means...

Way to go, Lou.

Everyone in this picture makes more money than you.

A quick recap of a relatively uneventful draft:

• Jake Long, product of the pizza-happy Lloyd Carr strength and conditioning program, was drafted first by the Miami Dolphins.  This marks the second consecutive year - and the third year in five - where the first offensive lineman taken was a pasty white guy from the Big Ten.

• No Hawkeyes were taken in the first day, but Charles Godfrey was one of the first players taken on Day Two, going to Carolina with the fourth pick in round three.  As HawkeyeSports.com points out, he joins former Iowa punter and would-be Heisman trophy candidate Jason Baker with the Panthers.  Those guys should have a lot to talk about.

• The Buzzsaw that is Bissinger the Arizona Cardinals took Kenny Iwebema in the fourth round.  Surely the pick had nothing to do with Ron Aiken, who coached Iwebema as an underclassman at Iowa and is now the defensive line coach in Arizona.

• Mike Humpal went to Pittsburgh in the fifth round.  He's a great linebacker, and he'll likely make the team and contribute on special teams, but the pick only emphasizes the most inexplicable result of the Draft...

• J LEMAN WAS UNDRAFTED.

The NFL hates freedom.

• Albert Young has signed a free-agent contract with the Minnesota Vikings (where they desperately need a running back), and Bryan Mattison signed on with the Jets.

• Adam Shada was signed to the Buffalo practice squad.  Camp doesn't open until July, but that hasn't stopped second-round pick James Motherfuckin' Hardy from already catching 18 touchdowns against Shada in the three days since the draft, all while singing, "His first name's Adam.  His last name's Shada.  He can't defend the post.  He can't defend the fade-a."
  
  You might remember James Hardy and Adam Shada from such receptions as this...

  
  ...or this...

  
  ...or maybe this.
  

Congrats to those who were drafted or signed, and good luck to all the graduating seniors (even you, Shutdown).

You know that awesome Steven Seagal movie, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory?

HELL YES.

The one about where there's a train in the mountains and you couldn't talk on the radio with anyone for a while because of the terrain blocking the radio waves and so they call that area the Dark Territory or something? You know the one I'm talking about? The one where there's terrorists (white guys, mind you, this is before 9/11 changed everything) who are going to blow up a nuke in Denver or something? And then Seagal's character is on the train with his hot daughter and he kicks the hell out of everybody and he does that weird double cross-chop thing? I don't want to spoil the ending, but he wins. Anyway, that's sort of where I am these days. Between a new job where if you use the internet, you DIE and the usual waiting game from Qwest when you move, the only way I can use Googles and internets is A: on one of these bad boys, which is every bit as shootmeinthefacefuckingkillme as you would imagine, or B: here at the library. I think the IT department is wondering why I haven't logged onto myspace or hotmail yet; EVERYONE is on one of the two sites here.

NOW DIE

Anyhoo, pardon the silence around BHGP* until the new headquarters is up and running. It will feature absolutely nothing new, so don't you worry your pretty little head about anything positive coming out of this period of radio silence. In the meantime, just to tide you fuckers over, a story that has absolutely nothing to do with Iowa sports after the break.

(keep reading...)

*Yes, there are technically two other bloggers here; Hawkeye State will probably continue to post roughly twice a week, and as near as we can tell Jebus is sailing through Africa and looking for Col. Kurtz. Best of luck to him on that front.

Remember back in November when we posted a conversation with the QC Times' Eric Page? No? Us neither! We do meth; what's your excuse?

Anyhoo, we decided to cap the basketball season by talking with the Great Gazoo's own Mike Hlas. You may be thinking, "BHGP, that basketball ship sailed like a month ago. What the hell?" Well, Mr. Hlas covers more than Hawkeye sports. So he was here. Then here. Then we were gone. Then we were sick. Then--well, shit, you don't actually care, so onto the good stuff.

Oh, and many many thanks to Mr. Hlas, whose work can be found on a regular basis in the Cedar Rapids Gazette and at the exquisitely named Hlog. He is an icon of sports journalism in the state of Iowa, and tonight, he is at BHGP. Enjoy.

(Read on...)

The second in a two-part series.  Part 1 is here (also, right below part two).

Who are the unknown kids on your team that will be household names come December?

The usual household names are from the skill positions.  Of course, Iowa has issues at quarterback and running back, and the receivers are only as good as the quarterback (in other words, screwed).  The household names are probably coming from the defense.  Our best guesses:

Christian Ballard and Adrian Clayborn, DE -- Bryan Mattison finally exceeded expectations in his final season, and Kenny Iwebema's mom once asked to use my bathroom before a game.  I love those guys.  That being said, it was time for a change, and what better way to reload than with two hyper-athletic freaks.  Christian Ballard (6'4", 270 sophomore) has the size to bull rush tackles and the speed to run around them.  Adrian Clayborn (6'3", 245) might not be quite as gargantuan, but matches Ballard in speed.  Both saw limited action last season (you might remember Ballard played Ike Turner to C.J. Bacher's Tina), and both have impressed throughout the spring.  With both of Iowa's top-notch defensive tackles returning and occupying the interior line, Clayborn and Ballard should spend the fall terrorizing quarterbacks across the league, never seeing a double team.

Jordan Bernstine, CB/S -- One of the most heralded in-state recruits this decade, Bernstine (5'11", 200 sophomore) has the instincts of a guy who tackled everything that moved in high school.  There's just one problem:  He's never actually played cornerback.  That didn't stop Iowa from making him the prohibitive favorite to start there this season.  Eventually, that spot will likely go to Amari Spivey, but that won't be enough to keep Bernstine off the field.  Regardless of position, expect to see him in the defensive backfield with the frequency.

A.J. Edds, OLB -- Here comes The Great Leap Forward.  Edds (6'4", 245) was a starter last season, and showed more than a few flashes of brilliance.  He is already the best coverage linebacker of the Ferentz era (you read that right), and improved against the run as the season progressed.  If he played in a program where the media played attention, he'd be a Butkus Award candidate.  As it is - absent a corresponding Great Leap Forward by his teammates - he'll be the best linebacker you've never heard of.

How would you describe the general mood around your program? Are you gearing up the tailgate party for a conference title run or do you get the impression there are going to be a lot of empty seats in your stadium this year?

For the record, this might be the most purely athletic team Kirk Ferentz has ever fielded; a group of seniors who functioned almost exclusively on willpower are being replaced by the products of two of the best recruiting classes in school history.  That being said, it's hard to generate excitement when you lose your final game of the season - and your chance at a bowl - to Directional Michigan.  Expectations are greatly diminished.

The position battles, especially on offense, aren't generally between two players equally capable of success in Big Ten conference football; they are a search for the lesser of two evils.  Quarterback is a disaster, running back might well be led by a walk-on, and the offensive line is in shambles.  The rash of injuries at wide receiver had the unexpected benefit of improving depth; Iowa might be more stocked at wideout than anyone but Ohio State.  Of course, there isn't anyone to get those receivers the ball or anyone to block for the guy who will try just that.

The good news?  There is still no Ohio State on the schedule (not having Michigan is a curse this year), and the defense might even be better than last year.  Replacements are available for the graduating ends and linebackers.  Charles Godfrey's graduation hurts, but there is experience in the defensive secondary, and Brett Greenwood is showing signs of becoming the next great Iowa walk-on at safety.  Discipline issues ran rampant through the program this fall, but the Hawkeyes have largely stayed off the police blotter through the spring.  If nobody leaves, there is a remarkable number of sophomores and juniors with significant experience competing for playing time.

There is deep cynicism within the fan base, and rightfully so.  Three seasons at .500 have been hugely disappointing, especially given the unprecedented success of the three prior seasons and the whimper that ended the 2007 campaign.  In fact, hope hasn't been lower since the summer of 2002.  We all know what happened then.  If things break the right way - and there is no doubt Iowa is due for a couple of good breaks - it's not completely unreasonable to hope for nine or ten wins.  Unfortunately, it's equally likely we see four or five.

Before the true offseason begins, we're getting the band back together.  

Questions courtesy of the 2008 recipient of the CFB Best Big Ten Blog award Black Shoe Diaries.  Part 2 to come tomorrow.

I love spring. Flowers blooming. Birds chirping. Bones breaking. ACL’s tearing. List the injuries your team sustained and describe their impact on 2008.

Actually, Iowa got through spring without any significant injuries.  Guard Brian Bulaga missed the entirety of spring practice, but is expected to be fine for fall.  Same goes for defensive back Jordan Bernstine.  Quite a few players who were injured last year weren't playing (most notably Tony Moeaki) and more were held out of the spring game to avoid the Sean Lee Experience (such as both Mitch King and Matt Kroul).  Nevertheless, it was a surprisingly healthy spring for a program whose players couldn't walk out of the tunnel without pulling a groin last season.

Break down the major position battles going on with your offense.

Oh, where do we begin?

Depending on who you're reading, the quarterback battle is either a dead heat between returning starter Jake Christiansen and 80's detective sidekick Ricky Stanzi or not a competition at all.  Ferentz did nothing to quiet the debate when, after two lackluster series in the spring game, Christiansen was yanked in favor of the youngster.  In the end, neither looked particularly spectacular this weekend, but there doesn't appear to be anyone else quite ready for prime time.  Christiansen will start the season opener, but I wouldn't be shocked if Stanzi passes him by sometime in October.

Running back is not much different.  Walk-on Paki O'Meara started the spring game, but had trouble gaining much of anything behind a patchwork offensive line.  Nate Guillory, who received a scholarship offer sight unseen, after the coaches saw his highlight video, apparently has difficulty with blocking due to his inexperience and small stature.  Shonn Greene, who would be the only running back with a Big Ten carry if he makes it back to school in the fall, loves him some television.  Two true freshmen, Jeff Brinson and Jewel Hampton, will be given a shot but could have some of the same blocking issues Guillory is experiencing.  In other words, nobody has a damn clue what is going on.

Last year, the offensive line was certainly that.  The only player on that line who started every game at the same position was center Rafael Eubanks, who finished as an honorable mention all-conference selection.

Equally proficient with a chop block, a guitar, or a kitana blade, Rafael Eubanks is a true Renaissance man

So, with so many potential position battles on the offensive line, the most competitive is...center?  Yes, it is true.  Mutant aardvark Rob Bruggeman returned from injury, started the spring game, and looks like the odds-on favorite to start this season at the top of the depth chart.  The BHGP staff believes he's eventually destined to play guard, but it's far from certain.

We're not even mentioning potential battles at wide receiver, left guard, and both tackle positions.  The entire offense is up for grabs this season.

You knew this was coming. Break down the major position battles on defense.

The defense is far more certain.  Six of the defensive top seven appear certain, especially given the coaching staff's emphasis on rotating defensive players and promoting depth.  The only potential battle between Pat Angerer and Jacody Coleman at middle linebacker.  Coleman, a sophomore, entered the spring as the starter, but Angerer - a junior coming off a season where he struggled with a shoulder injury, hamstring injury, mono, ebola, tetanus, smallpox, pinta, and dissociative identity disorder - started with the first team and looked impressive in the spring game.  Given Ferentz and Parker's preference for upperclassmen, he'll likely start.

Senior Bradley Fletcher has won the right to be torched by every team's #1 wide out.  The other corner will be either incoming transfer Amari Spivey or the aforementioned Bernstine.  Neither played in the spring, which is always a good sign for your secondary.