Man the artillery and cover the infantries, gents! I say, this is a fine day to win a war!

Right as always, General Lee!

With our Dragon Cannons, we can't lose a battle! Soon the War of Northern Aggression will come to a most deserved end. Our people, and yea, their people, can take no more of this.

Your wisdom has no limit, General!

I say we hoist the main jib and outflank the right bombadiers! Hammaker, get to it on the double!

Right away!

I shall attend to other matters now. Gentlemen, rest assured your days of servitude to this great nation will soon be at an end, and prosperity will be enjoyed by all. Good day.

What a man he is, I say!

Righty-O! Oh! I say, here come the dastardly Northerners!

(A steady fight breaks out across the countryscape. Men charge, men shoot, and men die. It is a war, after all. All in all, no advantage is gained or lost, and the battle rages on unabated. Soon, in the middle of the fight, a young man maneuvers his armament away from the fight in front of him.)

Hammaker, what are you doing?! Why are you turning your cannon around?

I was told to protect the flank, sir!

Carry on, but for God's sakes, be careful, there could be a Confederate soldier in the line of fire!

I say, this a peculiar attack from Sherman. Why should he try to send the infantry to our right? Our defenses are

BOOM

(head flies a good three hundred yards)

(keep reading...)

General Lee! Nooooo! Now the war is surely ruined!

Cornshoe Hammaker rides again!

You monster! You evil, treasonous goblin! Without the Great General, we'll never be able to navigate the Moon Strait! Aliens will eat us alive!

HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN !!

The dread pirate Lincoln! I knew you were behind this!

Without my arch-nemesis in the picture, there's nothing between me and Dracula's gold! The north will enslave the south for millenia to come!

There's just one thing, Mr. Lincoln.

Yes, Cornshoe? Are you ready to become the first ever Secretary of Cruel and Unusual Punishment? A good pirate always keeps his word!

Absolutely. Why don't you rummage through Lee's person? I'm sure he's got the map on him.

Scoundrels, the both of you!

Silence, or I'll shoot you with my Laser Uzi! Yes, Cornshoe, I alone know what the map to Lower Boneropolis looks like. Why, I'll bet he's got it right here in his left breas

BOOM

(head goes flying off again)

Cornshoe killed Lincoln! What on earth is happening?!

Yeeeeee-ha! Cornshoe Hammaker bows to no man!

If we may interrupt

SILENCE

This is madness, utter chaos! Who shall lead these warring factions?

I'm Denzel Washington in the Civil War, and I say Cornshoe leads us all with an iron fist!

I'm Morgan Freeman and I agree! We were both in the Civil War!

Mr. Paterno

I DEMAND SILENCE

Sir, I'm sorry, but this is a press conference. What on earth does this story have to do with Penn State football?

BACK IN 1986, WE WERE FACING AN UNDEFEATED ALABAMA FOOTBALL TEAM. THEY WERE #2 AND WE WERE #6. OUR MEN WERE NERVOUS AND THE CROWD WAS BOTH PARTISAN AND OF POOR DENTAL CONDITION. I TOLD THE CORNSHOE TALE TO THEM, AND WE WENT OUT THERE AND DELIVERED THE WORST DEFEAT TO THE TIDE IN TUSCALOOSA IN A DECADE, 23-3. WE WON THE TITLE THAT SEASON, AND ALABAMA MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT. IN THE 22 YEARS SINCE, I HAVE REMAINED AT PENN STATE WHILE THEY HAVE ENDURED ROUGHLY NINETEEN DIFFERENT COACHING REGIMES. CURRENTLY THEY HAVE A HATE-FILLED CHEATDEMON AT THE HELM AND THEY WILL NEVER EVER WIN A TITLE AGAIN

Yes, but can't we talk about your contract situation? We should discuss the program's shortcomings instead.

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT THIS, THAT, AND THE OTHER THING, TO BE VERY FRANK WITH YOU. WE GOT A TOUGH SCHEDULE, A GOOD FOOTBALL TEAM, AND WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A LOT OF FUN AND YOU GUYS SHOULD ALL BE EXCITED

RIGHT

Why are you banging your hand on the table?

BEATS THE HELL OUT OF ME

AS I WAS SAYING, THEN TOJO SHOWED UP AND USED HIS KARATE TO TAKE DOWN AN INFANTRY

BUT IT WAS NO MATCH FOR ROBOCOP

WHY ARE PEOPLE LEAVING

I'M THIRSTY