Hey everybody. I'm Oops Pow Surprise of Black Heart/Gold Pants, and I'm here with Oklahoma State head football coach Mike Gundy! Mike, how the heck are you today?

I'm doing great, Oops Pow, thanks for having me.

Well, most people know you as a Big XII coach, Mike...

That's true.

...but you're a fan of all conferences?

 That's true too. I think fans, coaches, and players can all learn and expand their horizons from observing as much football as possible. Not every game can be a shootout, and you have to know how to win any kind of game.

Sage words, Coach. So, I assume your list starts with Curtis Painter.

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One of the best parts about the HawkeyeSports.com coverage of training camp is the unprecedented access it affords us, the common fan. We see cool stuff like the I-Right 33 Trap Read Horrible Nuclear Disaster and filming for Blade 4: Blade Coaches Football But Kills His Whole Team Since He's Blade And Everything. We also see Colin Sandeman (below) doing what Julio Jones did, except with 1/1000th the hype. Sometimes receivers jump, people. It happens.

Enter Sandeman

All of this pales in comparison, of course, to photographic confirmation of the McMenace, the Montana Mountain of Mayhem, Cannondick von Murderstein, Casey McMillan. BEHOLD!

Okay. His belly might look a bit distended. This is normal, as sources tell us he had just devoured Trey Stross whole. Stross is expected to eventually recover from 3rd degree burns from McMillan's stomach acid.

(All pictures courtesy of Camp Central at HawkeyeSports.com. Be sure to keep checking HawkeyeSports.com for more rare but wonderful pictures of #66(6)!)

Iowa just got a commitment from Marshalltown wingman Chanse Creekmur, neither of which are real names. And sure, you can say "wait, a 6'6" kid from small-town Iowa? What in the name of Hurl Fucking Beechum does Lickliter think he's doing?" Answer...

BALLIN OUT OF CONTROL!!!

Remember when Kobe jumped the Aston Martin? That was all CGI and shit. Fake. Fakey McFakerson from Faketown, Fakeafornia. This is as real as it gets. Chanse Creekmur blows your mind in 3... 2... (mouths one)...

Scoff if you must, but this automatically makes "Chanse" the most athletic Iowa player since one Tyree Ricardo Davis. Reckanize.

THE GOOD

Shonn Greene is the starter. Shonn Greene is the starter. Shonn Greene is the starter.

Although O'Meara looked like the second-stringer yesterday, we don't expect that to last for long; he is a walk-on, after all. By the time the BXI season rolls around, we expect the pecking order to probably shape up like this: Greene, Guillory, Hampton, O'Meara, Brinson, and Robinson. Brinson and Robinson could probably redshirt.

Adrian Clayborn is an absolute terror. Barring injury, he will be all-conference this year. He spent the entire practice in Iowa's backfield on Saturday, ritually abusing everyone that was put in front of him.

Broderick Binns looks just fine at the other end spot if either Clayborn or Ballard misses any time. He performed admirably against Kyle Calloway on Saturday.

The entire front seven is both talented and deep. There are probably seven linebackers who can start right now. Against Maine, the starting three are probably Hunter, Coleman, and Eeeeeedds, but that's not to say that Angerer, Tarpinian, and Nielsen won't have plenty of snaps in the next few games. The first two could plausibly end up starting. Angerer in particular has looked ferocious in the middle; Jacody Coleman will have to be an absolute rock in order to keep his spot atop the depth chart.

Ryan Donahue looks more consistent this year. He's always had a cannon for a leg, but the disastrous punts (like, say, the 13-yarder against ISU) should be relics.

THE BAD

The quarterback situation still isn't good. At times, Christensen looked better. At times, Stanzi looked better. And McNutt looked a lot more like the heralded recruit he was in high school than he did in the spring. While the play at quarterback will almost certainly improve over 2007 (unless, of course, injuries ravage the offense like last season), there are probably still going to be some "ugh" moments. In fact, some "ugh" games. I don't see this passing game carving up a good secondary.

Perhaps it's just the fact that they were going up against one of the top 3 defensive lines in the Big Ten, but the offensive line struggggled in the rushing game. Nobody sprang a big run all day long. Sure, the defense knew what was coming, but that's no excuse, especially when other teams have been saying for years that they've been able to predict Iowa's plays before the snap. A great offensive line can tell you what's coming, then run right over you anyway. Sure, the line's better than last year, but they're nowhere near the glory years of '01-'03 yet.

We don't know why the mainstream media refuse to report Casey McMillan ripping the top off the iconic water tower in the northeast corner, then drinking it dry, then flinging it into the pediatric ward of the UIHC. Ignoring the McMenace doesn't make it go away!

THE CHARLIE WEIS'S FRONT BUTT

What in God's name has happened to Iowa's special teams? We successfully exiled Austin Signor to the hinterlands of Eastern Illinois, but incumbent Daniel Murray and freshman Trent Mossbrucker are scarcely better. The idea that Iowa can't improve on a season where they missed one of every seven extra points and half their field goals is, to be perfectly frank, horrifying. How do you fuck up that badly? How do you not improve? They're extra points. They're practically point blank. There are D-III kickers who are better than 24-28. Fucking figure it out.

Kudos to Randy Peterson at the Rag for again breaking injury news on the Hawkeyes; he reports that Tony Moeaki and Trey Stross are missing the home opener against the Maine Streets. Nothing's been announced past that in terms of projecting how long they'll be out, but it's still not how Jake Christensen wants his pasisng game to start the season [So, let me get this straight; injuries are bad? Nice insight, chief--ed.] [You said you wouldn't drink on Sundays.--OPS] [Hic.--ed.].

In other injury news, there were a whole lot more than just those two out for Saturday's open practice. Starters missing included Christian Ballard, Jordan Bernstine (dressed but tweaked his hammy or something early on), Andy Brodell, Jeff Brinson, and Bryan Bulaga. Clearly it was not a good day if your last name started with B.

Check back later today with more on the open practice. Do it or Adrian Clayborn kills you.

We've recently come under fire for stories like The 2007 Iowa Football Team Finds A Severed Head and the J Leman Saves The World saga. Some see us as racist, tasteless, and devoid of meaningful content.

This could not be further from the truth.

The following is an incomplete list of stories that, over the past year, we have decided not to run. So complain now, but realize that it could get so, so much worse.

• The 2007 Iowa Basketball Team Finds Skip Prosser's Severed Head: It was probably too soon.
• BHGP Guest Columnist: Grandma Nasty: The subheader was "Granny Nasty breaks down her love of both the Final Four and thick black cock," and BHGP is not a haven for titillation.
• Bring Your Jizzrag To Work Day: Honestly, we were having trouble associating this with any Iowa athletic team, and we decided not to force it.
• BHGP Open Thread: What Would You Throw At Johnny Orr?: We felt that since he's no longer at ISU, there was no sense in opening old wounds.
• The JoePa Chronicles: Joe Paterno's Prostate Speaks: It got weird when Secretary's ovaries joined in.
• Casey McMillan Caused 9/11: He was only like 11 or 12 at the time, and the Hulk Hogan photoshops are much better.
• Report: Northwestern Football Players Having Mindblowing Amounts of Sex with Each Other: There was no such report.
• [EDIT: TITLE REDACTED]: Okay, even posting this title was horrible. It's gone.
  
• /b/HGP: We would be arrested within minutes.

Not much funny today, but no spleen or outrage either. In fact, this might just be boring, but it's something in my head that I wanted to see in print, so bear with me a moment. Toilet humor to return forthwith.

I have three favorite bumper stickers. One is this. Des Moines and proud, motherfuckers. The other two are political without being explicitly so, if that makes any sense. One says "I Eat Babies And I Vote," which floors me every time I think of it. The last says "I don't have to like my President to love my country," and it's that level of nuance that I try (and usually fail) to keep square in my mind.

Summer practices are going on at the UI, and the football season is scarcely more than two weeks away. With the impending season, the athletic department is publishing substantial amounts of Hawkaganda, including this article and this accompanying photo spread.

And you know what? Despite my bitter loathing of the UI's policies and secretiveness, I'm excited about this year's football team, and I feel sorry for those of you who aren't. I don't mean that in an aggressive, contentious way, either; I just wish everybody could look at pictures of these Hawkeyes, guys who haven't done a damned thing wrong themselves, and not get pumped as hell.

Note that we're not asking you to in any way excuse any of the questionable behavior that has prompted the Regents' current investigation. Far from it. We are, however, asking you to judge the two situations on their own separate merits and to join us as we watch a team that, quite frankly, can't be as bad as last year (NOTE: if they are, feel free to join us as we give up on words and just photoshop turds coming out of various coaches' mouths).

Either way, it's not fair to slag these guys for stuff other people did. Time to act like Hawkeye fans and like adults.

This and all other photos in this article courtesy of HawkeyeSports.com's exclusive coverage of summer practices. Get psyched.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Scene: On the outskirts of the forested Chinese wilderness. Beijing's lights burn brightly miles away. One tall Chinaman leads a dozen Americans up toward a wooded area.

Right over here, gentremen! Ouw finest weweworf ninjas!

NO. WAY. No way! That's just a patch of sticks and leaves. There's definitely a hole under that. Guys, we should leave. I think we might be missing curfew.

No, no, no! Don't reave, I beg of you! Rook, I'rr wark across the sticks and reaves myserf right now! It's pewfectry safe!

Yao, in his spindly 7'6" majesty, walks across the patch with ease.

You sirry Amewicans! The weweworf ninjas rive in the countwyside! This is just the fastest path to get thewe!

I say we go for it! I've never even seen a regular ninja!

Okay, but only for a second, and then we have to get back. It's late!

The players walk with trepidation across the leaves while Yao waits at the other end. Suddenly, as they near the middle of the patch...

NOW! SPWING THE TWAP NOW!

The ground swings wide open, and all the athletes tumble into the pit below. Several Chinese patrolmen spring up from their grassy hiding spots.

Aiiieeeeee!!!!!

We awe victowious!!

ROR

WOFR

RMAO

ROROROROR

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Part 1 | Part 2

 The basketball teams are locked in intense battle!

 TWEET!

 FOUL!

 on who

 That is a foul on Yao.

 FOUW ON YAO?!

 Yessir, foul on Yao.

 HOW YAO FOUW?!

 NO FOUW ON YAO

 You clearly hacked the living shit out of Bosh. Anyway, that's five. You're done.

 NOW YAO FOUW OU?!?!

 You fouled out, Yao.

 HOW YAO FOUW OU??!

 Five fouls.

 YOU CAWW FIVE YAO FOUW AND NOW YAO FOUW OU?!

 I sure did. This isn't the NBA. Five strikes and you're out. Have a seat, big guy.

 THIS IS RAUGHABRE

 ROOK AT ME RAUGHING

 ROR

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